Being a stepmom.
Beverly was her name. God rest her soul. I could write a book about my experience with her. She was my stepmother, who unfortunately passed away some years back. Beverly was this super lively woman from Trinidad who introduced us to roti, over-accessorizing and my 2 sisters M and S.
At just 5 or 6 years old. I had a stepmother. And while I didn’t love the idea of her, there was nothing I could really do about her being in the picture. But…I, along with my cousin Z, did everything we could to annoy her. Z was down for anything and basically my ride or die, so she absolutely helped me satisfy my young rebellious heart. We were kids and quite frankly, I couldn’t fathom my dad loving another woman who was not my mother.
My parents met when they were 13 and got married young, so I could only imagine how ugly that transition had to be. My mother and stepmother definitely had beef with each other for some time but eventually, they became cool. Seeing them be friendly with each other was equivalent to seeing a dog walk on its hind legs. Something about it felt good and wholesome, but still awkward, nonetheless. But again… I was a young teenage-ish girl and still figuring things out.
As time went on, I grew to love her. She was nice and welcoming to my dad’s children, nieces, nephews and basically the whole family. A big part of me wishes she was still here. Especially now that I’m navigating my own journey and welcoming the idea of being a stepmom.
Being a Step Parent
I surveyed a group of seasoned stepparents to gather their best advice, and the same theme kept coming up: the importance of setting healthy boundaries. The stepparent, biological parents, and the child should set boundaries.
Here’s some of the advice I gathered from my conversations with experienced stepparents:
“Set clear boundaries, even when you’re trying to be the most loving and supportive stepmom. It’s important not to blur the lines—remember, you’re not the parent. Be open to constructive criticism, especially if you’re not a mom yourself, and keep an open mind and heart. Even if you don’t get along with the other parent, always show respect. Never imply anything negative about them, because it’s still the child’s parent. You want the child to enjoy being around you. Embrace being the fun, ‘Disney’ parent.”
“As a stepchild, I often felt isolated. My biological father’s partner made little effort to include me, and it felt like she wanted to push me away. A bonus parent sometimes struggles to incorporate a child into their life naturally. Most kids tend to be reserved around new people, so it’s essential to give them grace. For instance, my biological daughter quickly bonded with my husband, while my husband’s biological daughter took her time to warm up to me, largely because she had an actively involved mom.”
Lessons learned from stepparents
“It’s important to establish boundaries between stepparents and stepchildren. While you shouldn’t try to replace the biological parent, you can still show respect and support as a parental figure, much like an aunt or uncle would.”
“The biological parent must set the stage for the relationship between the stepparent and child. There should be three essential conversations: between the biological parent and the stepparent, the biological parent and the child, and finally, all three together.”
“There’s often a desire to feel like the only one in a partner’s life, especially when dating someone with children and an ex-spouse. Many overlook the complexities of blended families and shy away from the tough conversations needed to navigate this dynamic, hoping everyone can just get along. As a stepparent, it’s essential to tread carefully; being mindful of how you criticize his parenting or agree with the child is key to maintaining family harmony. “
Losing your relationship with family
Have you ever heard of the term “blended family”? Well, blended family meaning is basically a modern-day mashup of families where one or both partners have kids from previous relationships. The issue with this dynamic happens when a biological parent passes away or goes through a divorce.
Suddenly, things get complicated. If the living stepparent decides to remarry, it can leave the stepchild from the previous marriage feeling like a fish out of water. Then true colors start to show. And what once seemed like a solid family dynamic starts to feel a bit shaky. It’s like, “Wait, am I all of a sudden not family anymore? And God forbid the new spouse is grossly territorial and doesn’t want you in the picture at all. How are you left to feel?
I think the most important thing is to just accept people as they are and choose to deal with them or not. And I know it’s hurtful because… it’s… “family”. I’ve come to the conclusion that your family consists of the people who wish you well and choose to be along life’s journey with you and supporting you.
The bottom line is, step-siblings and half-siblings need to find their own way to connect with their step-siblings and half-siblings. It’s not always easy, but it’s necessary. Make it a priority to keep those relationships alive. Organize some hangouts that let everyone bond over shared interests, and don’t be afraid to have awkward conversations. Everyone’s feelings matter and creating a safe space to talk about them can go a long way. And if one side has no interest in engaging, respect that, let it burn, and move forward.
I’ve been lucky enough to keep a close relationship with all of my siblings. Even though we’re all grown and have our own lives, there’s a strong bond between us that will last a lifetime.
How to be a good step parent
Honestly, I’d have to say, the NACHO approach is good. I can confidently speak from both child and parent perspectives. If you’re unfamiliar with NACHO… let me explain: Them NACHO kids. Period. So back off and let the bio parents lead. Step in as support only. You should definitely stand firm on whatever boundaries you set, but for everything else you have to take a back seat.
I’ll also tell you what a good step parent is NOT. A person who intentionally isolates their spouse from their children. Or mistreats their spouses’ children in an unnecessary attempt to create family tension.
Being a stepmom – The Truth
As a young girl, I never imagined that I’d experience being a stepmom before being an actual mom. However, it’s an experience that I wouldn’t take back for the world.
The truth is:
It’s not easy.
Nothing about it feels natural at first. Especially if it’s your first time in the position and you don’t have children of your own.
It’s going to take time to build a comfortable relationship.
You will want to walk away because you won’t feel prepared to care for a child the same way their parents will care for them.
You put your heart at risk for the likely event that you and your partner break it off, now it’s possible that you’ll have to break this bond you’ve built with the child you’ve grown to love as well.
However, being a stepmom can be one of the most rewarding roles you’ll ever have. It’s a relationship that can swing wildly—either really freaking bad or really amazing. I’ve been on both sides of that spectrum, but thankfully, the good moments far outweigh the bad.
To wrap things up
Let’s be real: not everyone will vibe, and that’s okay. If someone isn’t interested in building that relationship, you have to respect that and keep it moving.
From my unique perspective of seeing both sides of the coin. Being a stepdaughter taught me everything I need to know about how to be a good stepmom. I understood firsthand the importance of kindness, inclusion, and patience. It also showed me all the ways I would be better based on the negative experiences I had.
Being a stepmom has deepened my understanding of myself and my heart’s capacity to love. It’s a journey of self-discovery, revealing just how open and adaptable we can be when faced with new dynamics.
If you’re stepping into the role of a step-parent, you’ll find that building these relationships takes time, and it’s perfectly fine to feel unprepared at first. Just know your boundaries and stand on business when it comes to them. Do not bend… you will become resentful later. If you’re not cut out for the journey, walk away. But if you’re in for the long haul, the rewards of love and connection you can create overtime make the journey worthwhile.
8 Stepmom Blogs You Should Be Reading For Stepfamily Support – Mom 2.0 | Moms + Marketers + Media
